In real life, I'm a very strong introvert. When writing, that carries over as I try to think it through before writing it, as opposed to thinking it through by writing it. Well, it's not really working out for me to work that way, because there are 'way too many things that require my decisions these days, and so I never get to polish and perfect anything. So I'm going to try writing as a part of my thinking through/decision-making process. If you'd like, you can tell me what you think; if not, you, my theoretical reader(s) can just think positive thoughts for me and pray that God shares with me enough wisdom for the day, and that I recognize it when it comes.
I like to help other people. Tell me what you need, and I'll happily try to fulfill it for you. Tell me what decision you have to make and I'll help you think and pray it through. Tell me what you need to find out and I'll jump at the chance to research your options. However, when it comes to me, I'd rather not make a lot of decisions. I'm more comfortable before the decision gets made, when all the options are still open. I like being a loyal team member; I'm very uncomfortable being a team leader or manager. The title "Boss" feels to me like a noose around my neck.
In some respects this feels like hell to me. At least, it feels like what my imagination tells me hell feels like. I must do what I cannot do. My responsibility as a "boss" conflicts with my feelings of loyalty as a friend. I'm required to confront someone about problems I can't fix when I'd prefer to listen to the other singers and sing the missing harmony part. And when I finally do get to simply sing my part, I no longer feel so hopeless.
What is hell? Theologians and philosophers have written volumes about it. One friend of mine even wrote a book with the unlikely title of Hell: the Logic of Damnation. But to me, it boils down to this: hell is a state of the absence of the knowledge and feeling of God's presence. Is God actually gone? I don't think so, but in my life, sometimes I can't feel God's presence. That, to me, is hell. So I have definitely been to hell and back many times.
What is heaven? When I'm singing my part with friends (whether we know each other or not), I again know the presence of the Creator. The Spirit moves in and out of me like my breath. This, to me, is a bit of heaven. And when I get to look at a rainbow with my kids. And when my dreaded voice mail, instead of being a complaint, ends up being from my wife, who says, "I'm sorry we had such a horrible morning. I love you." These things, simple as they are, help me to notice the presence of the God who has promised never to leave or forsake me.
Please understand: I do believe in a hereafter, including a realm in which we experience God's unmediated presence for eternity. I believe this is what most of us call "heaven." We think that's where we go when we die physically. I believe it. But I don't want to die before tasting of heaven. I want it now. If heaven involves the direct, unmediated presence of God, it seems to me that God's "mediated" presence can come through truth or beauty, creation or creativity, a word spoken or sung, and especially through the presence of someone who never turns away, no matter how unacceptable I feel.
So sometimes I feel like I'm in hell. Like a lost child who wants to go home, I want to be in heaven - in the presence of Mommy and Daddy - but I can't get there. I need someone to bring heaven to me, so that I can then take it to someone else. I'm not up to that task. But together, I think we can do it. Our world desperately needs to experience heaven, so that we can recognize hell for what it is - and avoid it like the plague.
Much love to you, dear reader(s). Please come back soon - and I will too. If I don't, please remind me!
Michael
©2008 J. Michael Bryan. All rights reserved.
2 comments:
I'm not sure I completely understand your description of 'heaven' and 'hell', even though it was most eloquently written, but I am in agreement with what I have processed your writings to be. I was in a small group recently where I announced that I did not believe in a physical fire and brimstone physical 'hell'. You would have thought I had uttered an unforgivable blasphemous statement! The room was very quiet as the attendees shifted uncomfortably in their seats. Thank you for discussing some of the concepts we have been trained to believe and have accepted as 'gospel' (THE GOOD NEWS) without question or thought or reflection or seeking GOD for the treasure of his truth within the thought. May the journey bring us all greater understanding!
Your comments on bringing heaven to earth reminds me of the Hillsong offering TOUCHING HEAVEN CHANGING EARTH -- may all GOD'S people effect change as they bring heaven into each moment and share that with those around them!
Thanks for your comment, Nancy. In some ways I'm not sure I even understand my own descriptions of heaven and hell in a literal sense. However, I believe in the God of grace and glory, and I look forward to spending the rest of my earthly life learning to allow this God to live through me, love through me, speak through me, and work through me. I look forward to more discussions in forums such as this one.
Blessings and peace,
Michael
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